Day 53...
I'm lost...I'm unsure...I want answers but I'm afraid to ask for fear of blowing things out of proportion and cause an argument. I have so much fear at this point I don't know if it is healthy.
I feel so worthless! Like a mud-soaked piece of paper.
Day 65...
Feb 18, 2010
200 Days - From The Pages Of Me
Day 28...
My heart feels steady but my head feels clouded. Not sure which my heart is settled on or maybe its just comfortable with the peace or settlement of not feeling for either of the choices. I hope when I do make a decision that my heart doesn't fall afterward. I don't want to go through it - the real thing this time.
Truthfully I feel nothing right now but my emotions are at a non-reactive state and I hope my logics are steering me in the right direction, whether I don't feel the need for his love anymore or that I'm grateful for the fact that in spite of it all, he still cares.
My heart feels steady but my head feels clouded. Not sure which my heart is settled on or maybe its just comfortable with the peace or settlement of not feeling for either of the choices. I hope when I do make a decision that my heart doesn't fall afterward. I don't want to go through it - the real thing this time.
Truthfully I feel nothing right now but my emotions are at a non-reactive state and I hope my logics are steering me in the right direction, whether I don't feel the need for his love anymore or that I'm grateful for the fact that in spite of it all, he still cares.
Feb 17, 2010
200 Days - From The Pages Of Me
Day 27...
Hey Journal. Here's the actual thought if you don't know already. I am most uncomfortable and its mostly my fault in recent events that has caused it to flare up in my face. The worst part is that I can't say anything about it. I caused it. If I opened my mouth I'll only be swallowing -- no, choking on my own words. I'd let it get out of hand and I have to suffer the -- my consequences. I have drawn two people together more comfortable to flirt either in my line of sight or behind my back. I am uncomfortable because [no way in hell!] He would talk to me in that manner -- even if I tried. It's the most uncomfortable feeling that he would talk to other people and I'm the outcast. Things are said about me and he says nothing in an attempt to display respect for me. I have become this person everyone is avoiding and I can't change them to do or think otherwise.
It kills me that he can openly flirt with her and not with me. Am I so terrible that my own boyfriend stops flirting with me? Is it that bad? I hate myself. I hate that I feel so worthless and unimportant.
Why can't he love me that way anymore?
Why can't I be in that happy place anymore?
Why is it so hard for me to understand what is going on?
What is going on?
I hate that I'm no longer a priority anymore. I hate that I'm friends with someone like he with her and have this down-right wrong feeling that I've driven a wedge between them or more so holding them too close.
Who am I to feel this way like I'm or I could be a whole lot better without him and at the same time be terrible without him for the possibility that he could be more? If I broke up with him, would he be relieved, or feel as terrible as I would? If he really had something holding him back because he cares, does he care because he loves me, or because he respects me?
Why won't he come around already?
Is he really that stubborn to commit?
Why can't I let myself go?
It is because I care so much?
How can a relationship last only on a caring feeling for the other?
On what level is love anymore if you only care for me?
Is it love?
Does he still love me???
I've become this person. This monster. Someone not worth the reflection in the mirror or to anyone. I've driven everyone away and I can't win them back, and it's because of that, I've driven him away as well. I want to let go; to know if I'm strong enough. I don't think I have the strength to ever know if I can.
It hurts to think about it, but I can't help it. It hurts too much. I love him but I'll never know just how much he loves me.
Hey Journal. Here's the actual thought if you don't know already. I am most uncomfortable and its mostly my fault in recent events that has caused it to flare up in my face. The worst part is that I can't say anything about it. I caused it. If I opened my mouth I'll only be swallowing -- no, choking on my own words. I'd let it get out of hand and I have to suffer the -- my consequences. I have drawn two people together more comfortable to flirt either in my line of sight or behind my back. I am uncomfortable because [no way in hell!] He would talk to me in that manner -- even if I tried. It's the most uncomfortable feeling that he would talk to other people and I'm the outcast. Things are said about me and he says nothing in an attempt to display respect for me. I have become this person everyone is avoiding and I can't change them to do or think otherwise.
It kills me that he can openly flirt with her and not with me. Am I so terrible that my own boyfriend stops flirting with me? Is it that bad? I hate myself. I hate that I feel so worthless and unimportant.
Why can't he love me that way anymore?
Why can't I be in that happy place anymore?
Why is it so hard for me to understand what is going on?
What is going on?
I hate that I'm no longer a priority anymore. I hate that I'm friends with someone like he with her and have this down-right wrong feeling that I've driven a wedge between them or more so holding them too close.
Who am I to feel this way like I'm or I could be a whole lot better without him and at the same time be terrible without him for the possibility that he could be more? If I broke up with him, would he be relieved, or feel as terrible as I would? If he really had something holding him back because he cares, does he care because he loves me, or because he respects me?
Why won't he come around already?
Is he really that stubborn to commit?
Why can't I let myself go?
It is because I care so much?
How can a relationship last only on a caring feeling for the other?
On what level is love anymore if you only care for me?
Is it love?
Does he still love me???
I've become this person. This monster. Someone not worth the reflection in the mirror or to anyone. I've driven everyone away and I can't win them back, and it's because of that, I've driven him away as well. I want to let go; to know if I'm strong enough. I don't think I have the strength to ever know if I can.
It hurts to think about it, but I can't help it. It hurts too much. I love him but I'll never know just how much he loves me.
200 Days - From The Pages Of Me
Day 24...
Ok. I am pretty certain the urges to call or text him aren't there like they used to be, but how much longer must I be without him, and why do I feel like I'm being taught a lesson? Why does love always feel like you have to learn something? I thought love sets you free to do whatever you want.
Ok. Flight or Fight? Anger is pumped up...Temptation cheers Anger on! Decision & Maturity is waiting for the perfect moment. *feet and fingers tapping impatiently*
Day 25...
Uggh! Mother Nature is here. No wonder all my emotions feel smothered and bothered. :)
He told me that he is happy for me and sealed it with a kiss and I shouldn't forget it. I won't.
It confirmed for me that I haven't lost him completely.
Day 26...
Anger just wants to punch Maturity in the face...this might get really messy. Time is getting impatient by the second. 70% on school BS...20% just wants me to hit something, the other 10% reserved on the hopeful wish I can be somewhere else maybe one month from here.
Ok. I am pretty certain the urges to call or text him aren't there like they used to be, but how much longer must I be without him, and why do I feel like I'm being taught a lesson? Why does love always feel like you have to learn something? I thought love sets you free to do whatever you want.
Ok. Flight or Fight? Anger is pumped up...Temptation cheers Anger on! Decision & Maturity is waiting for the perfect moment. *feet and fingers tapping impatiently*
Day 25...
Uggh! Mother Nature is here. No wonder all my emotions feel smothered and bothered. :)
He told me that he is happy for me and sealed it with a kiss and I shouldn't forget it. I won't.
It confirmed for me that I haven't lost him completely.
Day 26...
Anger just wants to punch Maturity in the face...this might get really messy. Time is getting impatient by the second. 70% on school BS...20% just wants me to hit something, the other 10% reserved on the hopeful wish I can be somewhere else maybe one month from here.
200 Days - From The Pages Of Me
Day 18...
I miss him. I wish I could tell him but I need to prove to him that I can do this. I have to. I wish he misses me too. I have too much rage in my heart about all the bad that's happened and I can't seem to let go. Everything around me painfully reminds me of him; the simple stuff like music, imagining him having fun with someone other than me. Now that I've managed to yet again screw things up even more worse than need be and I'm now certain that not only I have excused myself unintentionally from both our common friends all-together, I've made them a reason to hate me not as a person, but as his girlfriend. I have embarrassed myself and moreover embarrassed him. No one has any level of fondness for me. I've lost their respect and as a result, I'm no longer welcomed among them and the hardest part about it is that 'fun time' is usually with them and he among them as well, of course with the new found fond friends - girls. How will I be able to live with myself being with him. If I'm not welcomed he most certainly will follow suit and use it as an excuse for me not to come. How does one approach and solve such a problem when they, in all instances.
Day 23...
School starts in three days. I'm expecting the worse but anticipating for the better; I have to, for the most part. I wish I could move on without him but he's a part of me. I'm reminded everyday why I care so much about him and later then bombarded with why sometimes it's so hard to tolerate him. Truthfully it's confusing! I wish this wasn't so hard...but not thinking about it, it is getting better; tolerating the 'distant' days. I want these days over but I want him to want me. *sigh*
Motivation shoves me in an attempt to catch up behind you. Should I blow a kiss in a hopeful wish my feelings would reach you, so you could turn to look into my patient eyes? Please turn around..? Time still tells me to wait. High Hopes, still hopeful. Enthusiasm is taking a day off. Maturity sits absent-minded beside me. How can I say it, without saying it out loud? I wish I could hear them now; your voice.
Day 23...feels like forever.
I miss him. I wish I could tell him but I need to prove to him that I can do this. I have to. I wish he misses me too. I have too much rage in my heart about all the bad that's happened and I can't seem to let go. Everything around me painfully reminds me of him; the simple stuff like music, imagining him having fun with someone other than me. Now that I've managed to yet again screw things up even more worse than need be and I'm now certain that not only I have excused myself unintentionally from both our common friends all-together, I've made them a reason to hate me not as a person, but as his girlfriend. I have embarrassed myself and moreover embarrassed him. No one has any level of fondness for me. I've lost their respect and as a result, I'm no longer welcomed among them and the hardest part about it is that 'fun time' is usually with them and he among them as well, of course with the new found fond friends - girls. How will I be able to live with myself being with him. If I'm not welcomed he most certainly will follow suit and use it as an excuse for me not to come. How does one approach and solve such a problem when they, in all instances.
Day 23...
School starts in three days. I'm expecting the worse but anticipating for the better; I have to, for the most part. I wish I could move on without him but he's a part of me. I'm reminded everyday why I care so much about him and later then bombarded with why sometimes it's so hard to tolerate him. Truthfully it's confusing! I wish this wasn't so hard...but not thinking about it, it is getting better; tolerating the 'distant' days. I want these days over but I want him to want me. *sigh*
Motivation shoves me in an attempt to catch up behind you. Should I blow a kiss in a hopeful wish my feelings would reach you, so you could turn to look into my patient eyes? Please turn around..? Time still tells me to wait. High Hopes, still hopeful. Enthusiasm is taking a day off. Maturity sits absent-minded beside me. How can I say it, without saying it out loud? I wish I could hear them now; your voice.
Day 23...feels like forever.
200 Days - From The Pages Of Me
Day 11...
I know it's sad. With each passing day I think of him more and though I shouldn't be focusing so much on that thought I hope you, my journal, would honour me with the chance to tell you all in my moment of weakness. I plan to focus this energy on you as much as I can because I want to change for the least I can to preach less. In the future, now that my fate has been set in stone, I pray that you can bless me with the strength to depend on you because this is the last time that I'll screw up things -- my life, love and as the world appears to me.
So you, my journal are my priority now. I will spoil you with love letters and hopeless romantic conversations. At least I know now -- for now, my relationship is doing just fine. I am most uncertain however, how much my heart can cope and remain calm and to believe that one day (really soon) he'll return to me with open arms. You see, my mind loves to play tricks with me. As if I can envision already with me here and we're both happy. I know deep down maybe, but right now we're miserable -- he's miserable. I wish I could change that but given circumstances will only make things worse. I only wish to know if his heart is in the right place with me.
I was at my highest temptation today to go a little further than needed - only because of the way we spoke to each other earlier. I feel so...happy and sad -- caged limited as to how much I can really say. But I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, or maybe too much.
I have a life now that can only be determined by me -- I have to do my best and cannot allow myself the slightest chance to ruin this for me. Everyone is counting on me now. He's counting on me. Oh my gosh, that's right he's counting on me. There's my motivation! No...I can't do this because of him. It has to be about me. If this allows me to be truly selfish, only I can benefit from what I've worked so hard for. This is my chance to shine. I have to do this without him.
Am I a pessimist or an optimist?
To myself I am without a doubt a pessimist. To my friends I convince them that I'm an optimist so who am I for being two persons in one? Who am I?
These times apart from each other are hard! I hate not being able to call. I hate being limited to the one trait I have no affiliation with or the strength to keep up with.
Ten days down...the rest of life to go. How much sooner. What will my reaction be? How much longer will this change me if I haven't gone through a transformation already? I hate not knowing!
I know it's sad. With each passing day I think of him more and though I shouldn't be focusing so much on that thought I hope you, my journal, would honour me with the chance to tell you all in my moment of weakness. I plan to focus this energy on you as much as I can because I want to change for the least I can to preach less. In the future, now that my fate has been set in stone, I pray that you can bless me with the strength to depend on you because this is the last time that I'll screw up things -- my life, love and as the world appears to me.
So you, my journal are my priority now. I will spoil you with love letters and hopeless romantic conversations. At least I know now -- for now, my relationship is doing just fine. I am most uncertain however, how much my heart can cope and remain calm and to believe that one day (really soon) he'll return to me with open arms. You see, my mind loves to play tricks with me. As if I can envision already with me here and we're both happy. I know deep down maybe, but right now we're miserable -- he's miserable. I wish I could change that but given circumstances will only make things worse. I only wish to know if his heart is in the right place with me.
I was at my highest temptation today to go a little further than needed - only because of the way we spoke to each other earlier. I feel so...happy and sad -- caged limited as to how much I can really say. But I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, or maybe too much.
I have a life now that can only be determined by me -- I have to do my best and cannot allow myself the slightest chance to ruin this for me. Everyone is counting on me now. He's counting on me. Oh my gosh, that's right he's counting on me. There's my motivation! No...I can't do this because of him. It has to be about me. If this allows me to be truly selfish, only I can benefit from what I've worked so hard for. This is my chance to shine. I have to do this without him.
Am I a pessimist or an optimist?
To myself I am without a doubt a pessimist. To my friends I convince them that I'm an optimist so who am I for being two persons in one? Who am I?
These times apart from each other are hard! I hate not being able to call. I hate being limited to the one trait I have no affiliation with or the strength to keep up with.
Ten days down...the rest of life to go. How much sooner. What will my reaction be? How much longer will this change me if I haven't gone through a transformation already? I hate not knowing!
200 Days - From The Pages Of Me
August 11 - February 14
Day 5...It's a party at my place, Chaos - beautiful Motivation tries to cheer me on..then Temptation & Decision shows up as a couple at my door. Fear grabs me by the hand and we go out the back.
Day 7...Memories is upset with me because I won't pay attention. Tears won't stop bothering me. Enthusiasm and High Hopes are still on their honeymoon and stupid Maturity hasn't kicked down my door yet! Pride just got admitted for several GSWs -- long recovery and Time is giving me the silent treatment.
Memories -- SHUT THE FUCK UP! Temptation, leave Lust alone -- yes I know he's gorgeous. Time -- don't you dare touch the FAST FOWARD BUTTON!! & where the hell is Motivation?! Why are my emotions acting like five year olds?
Day 10...Time is making me nervous. Maturity is being supportive and keeping me sane. Motivation is counting her opportunities. Lust is sitting much closer to Temptation. Got a call from High Hopes -- checking up on me, and Decision is trying to make up his mind. Memories is singing her songs slowly.
Day 5...It's a party at my place, Chaos - beautiful Motivation tries to cheer me on..then Temptation & Decision shows up as a couple at my door. Fear grabs me by the hand and we go out the back.
Day 7...Memories is upset with me because I won't pay attention. Tears won't stop bothering me. Enthusiasm and High Hopes are still on their honeymoon and stupid Maturity hasn't kicked down my door yet! Pride just got admitted for several GSWs -- long recovery and Time is giving me the silent treatment.
Memories -- SHUT THE FUCK UP! Temptation, leave Lust alone -- yes I know he's gorgeous. Time -- don't you dare touch the FAST FOWARD BUTTON!! & where the hell is Motivation?! Why are my emotions acting like five year olds?
Day 10...Time is making me nervous. Maturity is being supportive and keeping me sane. Motivation is counting her opportunities. Lust is sitting much closer to Temptation. Got a call from High Hopes -- checking up on me, and Decision is trying to make up his mind. Memories is singing her songs slowly.
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