200 Days - From The Pages Of Me

Day 18...
I miss him. I wish I could tell him but I need to prove to him that I can do this. I have to. I wish he misses me too. I have too much rage in my heart about all the bad that's happened and I can't seem to let go. Everything around me painfully reminds me of him; the simple stuff like music, imagining him having fun with someone other than me. Now that I've managed to yet again screw things up even more worse than need be and I'm now certain that not only I have excused myself unintentionally from both our common friends all-together, I've made them a reason to hate me not as a person, but as his girlfriend. I have embarrassed myself and moreover embarrassed him. No one has any level of fondness for me. I've lost their respect and as a result, I'm no longer welcomed among them and the hardest part about it is that 'fun time' is usually with them and he among them as well, of course with the new found fond friends - girls. How will I be able to live with myself being with him. If I'm not welcomed he most certainly will follow suit and use it as an excuse for me not to come. How does one approach and solve such a problem when they, in all instances.

Day 23...
School starts in three days. I'm expecting the worse but anticipating for the better; I have to, for the most part. I wish I could move on without him but he's a part of me. I'm reminded everyday why I care so much about him and later then bombarded with why sometimes it's so hard to tolerate him. Truthfully it's confusing! I wish this wasn't so hard...but not thinking about it, it is getting better; tolerating the 'distant' days. I want these days over but I want him to want me. *sigh*

Motivation shoves me in an attempt to catch up behind you. Should I blow a kiss in a hopeful wish my feelings would reach you, so you could turn to look into my patient eyes? Please turn around..? Time still tells me to wait. High Hopes, still hopeful. Enthusiasm is taking a day off. Maturity sits absent-minded beside me. How can I say it, without saying it out loud? I wish I could hear them now; your voice.

Day 23...feels like forever.