Day 27...
Hey Journal. Here's the actual thought if you don't know already. I am most uncomfortable and its mostly my fault in recent events that has caused it to flare up in my face. The worst part is that I can't say anything about it. I caused it. If I opened my mouth I'll only be swallowing -- no, choking on my own words. I'd let it get out of hand and I have to suffer the -- my consequences. I have drawn two people together more comfortable to flirt either in my line of sight or behind my back. I am uncomfortable because [no way in hell!] He would talk to me in that manner -- even if I tried. It's the most uncomfortable feeling that he would talk to other people and I'm the outcast. Things are said about me and he says nothing in an attempt to display respect for me. I have become this person everyone is avoiding and I can't change them to do or think otherwise.
It kills me that he can openly flirt with her and not with me. Am I so terrible that my own boyfriend stops flirting with me? Is it that bad? I hate myself. I hate that I feel so worthless and unimportant.
Why can't he love me that way anymore?
Why can't I be in that happy place anymore?
Why is it so hard for me to understand what is going on?
What is going on?
I hate that I'm no longer a priority anymore. I hate that I'm friends with someone like he with her and have this down-right wrong feeling that I've driven a wedge between them or more so holding them too close.
Who am I to feel this way like I'm or I could be a whole lot better without him and at the same time be terrible without him for the possibility that he could be more? If I broke up with him, would he be relieved, or feel as terrible as I would? If he really had something holding him back because he cares, does he care because he loves me, or because he respects me?
Why won't he come around already?
Is he really that stubborn to commit?
Why can't I let myself go?
It is because I care so much?
How can a relationship last only on a caring feeling for the other?
On what level is love anymore if you only care for me?
Is it love?
Does he still love me???
I've become this person. This monster. Someone not worth the reflection in the mirror or to anyone. I've driven everyone away and I can't win them back, and it's because of that, I've driven him away as well. I want to let go; to know if I'm strong enough. I don't think I have the strength to ever know if I can.
It hurts to think about it, but I can't help it. It hurts too much. I love him but I'll never know just how much he loves me.
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