Day 11...
I know it's sad. With each passing day I think of him more and though I shouldn't be focusing so much on that thought I hope you, my journal, would honour me with the chance to tell you all in my moment of weakness. I plan to focus this energy on you as much as I can because I want to change for the least I can to preach less. In the future, now that my fate has been set in stone, I pray that you can bless me with the strength to depend on you because this is the last time that I'll screw up things -- my life, love and as the world appears to me.
So you, my journal are my priority now. I will spoil you with love letters and hopeless romantic conversations. At least I know now -- for now, my relationship is doing just fine. I am most uncertain however, how much my heart can cope and remain calm and to believe that one day (really soon) he'll return to me with open arms. You see, my mind loves to play tricks with me. As if I can envision already with me here and we're both happy. I know deep down maybe, but right now we're miserable -- he's miserable. I wish I could change that but given circumstances will only make things worse. I only wish to know if his heart is in the right place with me.
I was at my highest temptation today to go a little further than needed - only because of the way we spoke to each other earlier. I feel so...happy and sad -- caged limited as to how much I can really say. But I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, or maybe too much.
I have a life now that can only be determined by me -- I have to do my best and cannot allow myself the slightest chance to ruin this for me. Everyone is counting on me now. He's counting on me. Oh my gosh, that's right he's counting on me. There's my motivation! No...I can't do this because of him. It has to be about me. If this allows me to be truly selfish, only I can benefit from what I've worked so hard for. This is my chance to shine. I have to do this without him.
Am I a pessimist or an optimist?
To myself I am without a doubt a pessimist. To my friends I convince them that I'm an optimist so who am I for being two persons in one? Who am I?
These times apart from each other are hard! I hate not being able to call. I hate being limited to the one trait I have no affiliation with or the strength to keep up with.
Ten days down...the rest of life to go. How much sooner. What will my reaction be? How much longer will this change me if I haven't gone through a transformation already? I hate not knowing!
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