Aug 25, 2010

Losing It

The last strand of the nylon cord.
The breaking point closest to my grip,
Where my palms burn to hold on.

Aug 19, 2010

Here's A Funny Question: Grandparents of the 22nd Century and their "Spare Time"?

So I've been playing war with my brain since of late constantly about what grandparents do with their spare time. Here was the inspiration to this post.


I was hanging with my boyfriend at his mom's house over the weekend, to help finalize some work that needed to be submitted by the following Monday right (yea I gotta exaggerate the blonde animation to my speaking). The oddest question popped in my busy mind

Aug 10, 2010

How Much More Pain Can I Bear?

I would probably guess this would be my 7th episode since March when I did a marsupialization surgery, and if it isn't the 7th that I'm on now because I've completely lost track of keeping the count since of late. But that is only a tally for this year only.

Jun 22, 2010

I'll Tell You A Story, then You Decipher It

Often times I wake up from a dream and wonder why so many times I have already seen it, or why in so many ways it's telling/ showing me the same thing.

Have you ever woken up from a dream, you've already seen and asked "why again"?

I've explored different meanings from different sources. My most frequent dream

Apr 10, 2010

Nostalgic Isnt It?

Having gone through my first year, I feel I must share with you my experience thus far during my course of study pursuing my career choice in Architectural Studies. One year down...three to go to successfully grasp my tiny hands around that tubular container containing the passport to a better life in the world of work and comfortable living...the permission to provide for a family and hassle free responsibilities of those annoying bills!

But my interest of posting this blog piece was brought upon by an intriguing tweet post which was entitled "What options are needed if you wanted to be an architect?"

Apr 5, 2010

It Has To Be The Signs!!

February 2, 2010

Yes! You can fall instantly in love. It is possible to know the One in two short months and feel like you're on top of the world. Good conversations and butterflies are a good combination of feeling loved. Can there be this many signs that this person who catches your heart

Dark Hour

Desperate need for a release
Crying out for a resolve
Why do I fall for such feelings
When there be no need for it to linger

Deception of my own
And my heart aches just a bit

Mar 7, 2010

200 Days - From The Pages Of Me

Day 129...
No idea what's going on...no idea on how to deal with it any longer; this has been drawn out for too long. My relationship feels empty, well...at least for me.
Butterflies have out-lived me. I can't associate myself with that feeling any more; don't know how.
Have I finally grown up?
Have I given up on love and turned myself to this monster who no longer keeps the feeling of warmth and love together?
I can no longer get that feeling even to linger for one minute. Do I still have enough love left in me?
For him?
For someone else?

200 Days - From The Pages Of Me

Day 71...
It's become more suspicious to me about where I am standing in this relationship. Lack of communication has become a bigger problem now and a lot is being said now that I should move on with someone else.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
I came across that yesterday (Day 70)...I wonder, am I still his priority, or an option?

Feb 18, 2010

200 Days - From The Pages Of Me

Day 53...
I'm lost...I'm unsure...I want answers but I'm afraid to ask for fear of blowing things out of proportion and cause an argument. I have so much fear at this point I don't know if it is healthy.
I feel so worthless! Like a mud-soaked piece of paper.

Day 65...

200 Days - From The Pages Of Me

Day 28...
My heart feels steady but my head feels clouded. Not sure which my heart is settled on or maybe its just comfortable with the peace or settlement of not feeling for either of the choices. I hope when I do make a decision that my heart doesn't fall afterward. I don't want to go through it - the real thing this time.
Truthfully I feel nothing right now but my emotions are at a non-reactive state and I hope my logics are steering me in the right direction, whether I don't feel the need for his love anymore or that I'm grateful for the fact that in spite of it all, he still cares.

Feb 17, 2010

200 Days - From The Pages Of Me

Day 27...
Hey Journal. Here's the actual thought if you don't know already. I am most uncomfortable and its mostly my fault in recent events that has caused it to flare up in my face. The worst part is that I can't say anything about it. I caused it. If I opened my mouth I'll only be swallowing -- no, choking on my own words. I'd let it get out of hand and I have to suffer the -- my consequences. I have drawn two people together more comfortable to flirt either in my line of sight or behind my back. I am uncomfortable because [no way in hell!] He would talk to me in that manner -- even if I tried. It's the most uncomfortable feeling that he would talk to other people and I'm the outcast. Things are said about me and he says nothing in an attempt to display respect for me. I have become this person everyone is avoiding and I can't change them to do or think otherwise.
It kills me that he can openly flirt with her and not with me. Am I so terrible that my own boyfriend stops flirting with me? Is it that bad? I hate myself. I hate that I feel so worthless and unimportant.
Why can't he love me that way anymore?
Why can't I be in that happy place anymore?
Why is it so hard for me to understand what is going on?
What is going on?
I hate that I'm no longer a priority anymore. I hate that I'm friends with someone like he with her and have this down-right wrong feeling that I've driven a wedge between them or more so holding them too close.
Who am I to feel this way like I'm or I could be a whole lot better without him and at the same time be terrible without him for the possibility that he could be more? If I broke up with him, would he be relieved, or feel as terrible as I would? If he really had something holding him back because he cares, does he care because he loves me, or because he respects me?
Why won't he come around already?
Is he really that stubborn to commit?
Why can't I let myself go?
It is because I care so much?
How can a relationship last only on a caring feeling for the other?
On what level is love anymore if you only care for me?
Is it love?
Does he still love me???

I've become this person. This monster. Someone not worth the reflection in the mirror or to anyone. I've driven everyone away and I can't win them back, and it's because of that, I've driven him away as well. I want to let go; to know if I'm strong enough. I don't think I have the strength to ever know if I can.
It hurts to think about it, but I can't help it. It hurts too much. I love him but I'll never know just how much he loves me.

200 Days - From The Pages Of Me

Day 24...
Ok. I am pretty certain the urges to call or text him aren't there like they used to be, but how much longer must I be without him, and why do I feel like I'm being taught a lesson? Why does love always feel like you have to learn something? I thought love sets you free to do whatever you want.

Ok. Flight or Fight? Anger is pumped up...Temptation cheers Anger on! Decision & Maturity is waiting for the perfect moment. *feet and fingers tapping impatiently*

Day 25...
Uggh! Mother Nature is here. No wonder all my emotions feel smothered and bothered. :)

He told me that he is happy for me and sealed it with a kiss and I shouldn't forget it. I won't.
It confirmed for me that I haven't lost him completely.

Day 26...
Anger just wants to punch Maturity in the face...this might get really messy. Time is getting impatient by the second. 70% on school BS...20% just wants me to hit something, the other 10% reserved on the hopeful wish I can be somewhere else maybe one month from here.

200 Days - From The Pages Of Me

Day 18...
I miss him. I wish I could tell him but I need to prove to him that I can do this. I have to. I wish he misses me too. I have too much rage in my heart about all the bad that's happened and I can't seem to let go. Everything around me painfully reminds me of him; the simple stuff like music, imagining him having fun with someone other than me. Now that I've managed to yet again screw things up even more worse than need be and I'm now certain that not only I have excused myself unintentionally from both our common friends all-together, I've made them a reason to hate me not as a person, but as his girlfriend. I have embarrassed myself and moreover embarrassed him. No one has any level of fondness for me. I've lost their respect and as a result, I'm no longer welcomed among them and the hardest part about it is that 'fun time' is usually with them and he among them as well, of course with the new found fond friends - girls. How will I be able to live with myself being with him. If I'm not welcomed he most certainly will follow suit and use it as an excuse for me not to come. How does one approach and solve such a problem when they, in all instances.

Day 23...
School starts in three days. I'm expecting the worse but anticipating for the better; I have to, for the most part. I wish I could move on without him but he's a part of me. I'm reminded everyday why I care so much about him and later then bombarded with why sometimes it's so hard to tolerate him. Truthfully it's confusing! I wish this wasn't so hard...but not thinking about it, it is getting better; tolerating the 'distant' days. I want these days over but I want him to want me. *sigh*

Motivation shoves me in an attempt to catch up behind you. Should I blow a kiss in a hopeful wish my feelings would reach you, so you could turn to look into my patient eyes? Please turn around..? Time still tells me to wait. High Hopes, still hopeful. Enthusiasm is taking a day off. Maturity sits absent-minded beside me. How can I say it, without saying it out loud? I wish I could hear them now; your voice.

Day 23...feels like forever.

200 Days - From The Pages Of Me

Day 11...
I know it's sad. With each passing day I think of him more and though I shouldn't be focusing so much on that thought I hope you, my journal, would honour me with the chance to tell you all in my moment of weakness. I plan to focus this energy on you as much as I can because I want to change for the least I can to preach less. In the future, now that my fate has been set in stone, I pray that you can bless me with the strength to depend on you because this is the last time that I'll screw up things -- my life, love and as the world appears to me.
So you, my journal are my priority now. I will spoil you with love letters and hopeless romantic conversations. At least I know now -- for now, my relationship is doing just fine. I am most uncertain however, how much my heart can cope and remain calm and to believe that one day (really soon) he'll return to me with open arms. You see, my mind loves to play tricks with me. As if I can envision already with me here and we're both happy. I know deep down maybe, but right now we're miserable -- he's miserable. I wish I could change that but given circumstances will only make things worse. I only wish to know if his heart is in the right place with me.
I was at my highest temptation today to go a little further than needed - only because of the way we spoke to each other earlier. I feel so...happy and sad -- caged limited as to how much I can really say. But I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, or maybe too much.
I have a life now that can only be determined by me -- I have to do my best and cannot allow myself the slightest chance to ruin this for me. Everyone is counting on me now. He's counting on me. Oh my gosh, that's right he's counting on me. There's my motivation! No...I can't do this because of him. It has to be about me. If this allows me to be truly selfish, only I can benefit from what I've worked so hard for. This is my chance to shine. I have to do this without him.

Am I a pessimist or an optimist?

To myself I am without a doubt a pessimist. To my friends I convince them that I'm an optimist so who am I for being two persons in one? Who am I?
These times apart from each other are hard! I hate not being able to call. I hate being limited to the one trait I have no affiliation with or the strength to keep up with.

Ten days down...the rest of life to go. How much sooner. What will my reaction be? How much longer will this change me if I haven't gone through a transformation already? I hate not knowing!

200 Days - From The Pages Of Me

August 11 - February 14

Day 5...It's a party at my place, Chaos - beautiful Motivation tries to cheer me on..then Temptation & Decision shows up as a couple at my door. Fear grabs me by the hand and we go out the back.

Day 7...Memories is upset with me because I won't pay attention. Tears won't stop bothering me. Enthusiasm and High Hopes are still on their honeymoon and stupid Maturity hasn't kicked down my door yet! Pride just got admitted for several GSWs -- long recovery and Time is giving me the silent treatment.
Memories -- SHUT THE FUCK UP! Temptation, leave Lust alone -- yes I know he's gorgeous. Time -- don't you dare touch the FAST FOWARD BUTTON!! & where the hell is Motivation?! Why are my emotions acting like five year olds?

Day 10...Time is making me nervous. Maturity is being supportive and keeping me sane. Motivation is counting her opportunities. Lust is sitting much closer to Temptation. Got a call from High Hopes -- checking up on me, and Decision is trying to make up his mind. Memories is singing her songs slowly.

Jan 8, 2010

Character Guide: The Seven Deadly Sins and my Emotions

Many at times for my friends who are familiar with the way I express myself lately, is the way how I personify my emotions as if they themselves run a life within me, thus me on the outside, who I appear to be. I find this a lot easier to tell how I feel because emotions speak for themselves.


I've composed this simple yet complicated guide about who I am...hope you understand it :)


The Seven Deadly Sins and my Emotions

Motivation introduced Enthusiasm and High Hopes to each other, they later got married. Motivation is attracted to Energy but nothing further; usually the attraction doesn't last as long for a full time relationship.

Energy influences Motivation at most times as well as Temptation and Confidence. Temptation rolls with the big guys: Gluttony, Greed and especially Lust; the intensity is usually stronger between Temptation and Lust when no one else is around; a usual spark which could lead to a relationship, but is often times interrupted by the influential group, who Wrath seems to have the power over Truth, Lies, Anger, Jealousy/ Envy <-- "evil twins", Pain - though prefers to act on its own, and Chaos.

Truth and Lies tend to stick to either side of one another, or against each other whenever Regret, Maturity, Time, Decision and Shame visits; a group dependent on their own, and chooses not to stick around during futile moments.

Chaos despises the group he describes as "Logics" but is always present when Tears, Fear, Memories and Sorrow are around, especially when Pride seems confused and uncertain to influence the "Moody" group. Usually during any party, Sloth seems to enjoy himself, but hate the very presence of Energy who tries to be the most annoying but upbeat person of all times.

Jan 7, 2010

Too Personal...?

I'll let you know what IS personal.

I may not be a hardcore blogger, from what I've realised, it's either you tell all, or talk about something else. Midnight Moon and the Oceanshore are both in front of me.

The Oceanshore is getting cold and all I can do is sit and stare at the random waves that come my way. I'd rather not step in to fight my way against the waves. I'd rather not visit as often anymore because the view is always the same. I'd rather not lay on the sand because it doesn't feel as comfortable anymore. But despite those things the view is calming; the waves always come back to me; and sometimes the temperature is suitable.
The Oceanshore has always been there even though I'd hate to swim in it less often now. When I do come to visit there's always that calming yet assuring sensation that makes me want to stay...so many times I've been tempted to walk away. But my feet feel comfortable digging in the sand, so my decision to leave goes back to my comfort.

Midnight Moon my new company, bright and captivating ...always. There's that eagerness to know more about Midnight Moon. I feel safe, I feel protected, I feel loved by its company.
I love to look at Midnight Moon. I could express my feelings and feel like I always have my answer infront of me. Midnight Moon is always around, wherever I may go. I can never get tired of Midnight Moon, I see a different side everyday. Midnight Moon has proven to me that we have a lot more in common than I realise. Deep down I want to be with Midnight Moon, the truth is Midnight is so far away.

How do I choose between the Oceanshore who I've been to for so many years and want to be with Midnight Moon who promises me the same thing. How do I choose between two important necessities...?

Too Personal you say? I say it hasn't gotten personal yet. I need to make a decision or my nights ahead will be without a moon or without a view by the sea.

Which would you choose?
Midnight Moon.
Oceanshore.

Popular Posts